


My Voice Can't Carry

by saturnite0614



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), M/M, Sad Lance (Voltron), Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-20 19:32:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13724490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnite0614/pseuds/saturnite0614
Summary: After a diplomatic mission goes south and Lance ends up in the hands of the Galra Empire, the team realizes how much one 17 year old can take in the most heart retrenching and disastrous ways.





	1. Diplomats

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, Saturnite here! I've never been the best writer but I wrote this over my Christmas break and did my best to make it tolerable. So hope you enjoy!

"Lance."

Knock, Knock, Knock. 

Maybe if I just stay silent, Hunk will go away. 

"Come on, buddy!" 

More knocking...and there goes the door. Hunk padded casually towards me and gently shook my shoulder. His hand was surprisingly hot, or I'm alarmingly freezing. 

"Are you feeling okay? The last time I had to drag you out of bed was when you ate that sketchy food from the Garrison fridge." 

I swung my feet onto the cold floor and forced a stiff laugh. 

"That 'sketchy food' was something you made and dared me to eat. Anyway, I'm up. What do you need?" 

Hunk chuckled, obviously remembering his horrible concoction that ended up with me missing a week of classes. I had to work my ass off more than usual to catch up and not fail. It was still a fond memory though, one of the ones I cling to when I miss Earth. 

"Hunk..." I urged 

He shook himself out of the memory and gestured to the door. 

"Two things. Number one, everyone's been up for hours and you never sleep this late. Number two, Shiro needs you. It's something about a diplomatic mission. He thinks you'll be up for the job." He said. 

I smiled and stretched out my sleep paralyzed muscles. 

"I'll be there in a dobosh. Thanks Hunk." 

He smiled his big teddy bear smile and left the room. A diplomatic mission? That didn't sound right, I'm the goofball, not the diplomat. A rush of cold air stung my eyes as I entered the bathroom and there it is, my reflection. If I'm being honest, it's not much. This past month has been literal hell since Keith left. Shiro's been on everyone's asses and the rest of the team is stressed out, especially Allura. She was practically chomping at the bit to fly a lion but I don't think she actual expected it to happen. The only difference between them and me at this point it how their managing their stress. They're actually managing it, I'm not and it shows itself in my lack of self-care. I stopped with the masks and other beauty products and replaced it with late night training sessions and playing video games. I'm not sure if the others have taken notice of the new bags under my eyes, if they have they haven’t brought it up. 

\------------------------------------------------ 

The others say nothing as I enter the control room wearing my armor with my helmet at my side. 

"Heard you had a mission for me?" I say obviously startling Shiro in the process. 

"Yes. Coran can you pull up the info?" 

Coran smiled at me and typed away at the controls, pulling up a picture of a planet that looked eerily like Earth, except it was a turquoise green and had more land than water. It looked like a gemstone and the sight of it made me even more homesick. 

"This is planet Indri in the Omicron System," Coran started, "The Indri people are generally peaceful but recently they were able to end the Galra occupation and are seeking an alliance with Voltron." 

He pulled up more pictures of the surface and the Indri peoples. The people were stunning and nothing like the aliens we've ever come across. They were tall and slim with varying shades of blue skin and white ethereal eyes. To be honest, they looked like something out of a Dungeons and Dragons game. 

"-ance!" 

Shiro had been talking. 

"Yeah?" 

He rolled his eyes. Shiro's been more irritable ever since he got back. 

"As I was saying, they specifically asked to speak with only one of us. We don-" 

"Why me?" I asked, catching him off guard. 

"What?" For once an emotion besides irritation crossed his face. It was confusion, I think. 

"Why me? According to Pidge, I'm the goofball," I did a sarcastic finger gun to put emphasis on my words, "Why not you or Allura?" 

"Mainly because you pilot the red lion which is the fastest and can navigate through these," Coran said pulling up more pictures of the surface, "They have large cities that are too densely populated to have the larger lions navigate through." 

Oh, that makes perfect sense. 

"So, when do I leave?" 

"Now actually," Shiro said, turning to Pidge, "Pidge will help you navigate through the cities." 

They pushed up their glasses on their nose and pulled up their laptop. 

"I've got you covered...goofball." Pidge smiled and started typing. 

\---------------------------------------------------- 

Red's shield went down before I even stepped foot into the hanger. A low grumbled echoed from him when I leaned against his leg. 

"I know," I said closing my eyes and sighing, "It's boring without Keith." 

It was difficult dealing with Red when Keith was flying Black, but It got worse when he left entirely. When we first started, Allura has said that Red was the hardest to control and the fastest. How had this happened? I'm not even that great of a pilot, now I'm saddled with an emotional and temperamental lion. At least we have something in common, being an emotional mess. 

The door of the hanger awakens me from my near panic attack and Allura steps through. 

"Lance." She says quietly, like she's talking to a wounded bird, not me. 

"What's up?" I say standing, awkwardly trying to reposition my helmet at my side. 

I've stopped trying to flirt with her. In the beginning it was actual flirting, but that turned to flirting because I'm pathetic. I don't have the energy to continue it though. 

"I wanted to give you some tips. Alteans were great diplomats before the war." She smiled at me. It seemed slightly pained, which was old for her. 

So, I stood there listening to her ramble on about traditions and dinners for about 20 doboshes. It might have been longer, I may have zoned out after five. I do better when I wing it. 

"Oh, and stay for as long as you need. When I was younger, some negotiations would take quintants." She started to leave, but turned back around and did something that shocked me. 

She hugged me. 

It was a sibling hug, but a hug nonetheless. Trust me on this, I have multiple siblings and their hugs are all the same. Tight, warm, and almost desperate, like they never want to let go. For the first time in my life, I'm hesitant to return it. I don't know why. I can tell that it confused Allura because her muscles tensed up. 

"Good Luck, Lance!" She waved as she sprinted out of the hanger. 

\----------------------------------------------- 

Red grumbled some more as we exited the wormhole. Usually I would respond with something calming, but I'm off my game today. Mainly because I haven't slept well lately. You would think I would because I practically wear myself ragged training but not a chance (Ha, Lance doesn't have a chance. That rhymes). 

"Alright Pidge, where am I headed?" I ask. Pidge's voice is practically static through the com. 

"The city you're looking for is in the north-western hemisphere. The building the meeting is being held at is impossible to miss. I'm sending you an image now." 

It pops up to the right of me. By the looks of it, Pidge wasn't kidding. It made the Castle of Lions look like a children's play house. Tall spires covered in multi-colored glass reflected clouds and trees. I whistle at the sight of it. 

"Alright," I say, the image disappearing, "Thanks Pidge. I'm going in." 

I'm certain my ears started bleeding when the rest of the team screamed into the mic, wishing me good luck. 

The plant is breath-taking compared to the images Coran showed me. It's like Earth, except Earth is from a fairy tale and made of jewel tones. The buildings shone white amongst the blues and greens of the planet and I feel insanely out of place in a large red flying lion. Speaking of which, I barely missed the buildings as I was scanning for what I thought might be City Hall. 

I'm really not comfortable with this. 

Luckily, the last building that I totally did not almost crash into, was the meeting hall. Landing was awkward with the very little space provided, but I managed. As I exited Red, a tall woman hid a smile. 

Great first impression, Lance. 

"Hello, I am Harmonia. The Indri Ambassador." Her voice seemed to echo in my head. She bowed her head a bit. 

I fumbled with taking my helmet as I returned the gesture. 

"My name's Lance. I'm the paladin of the Blu..." I faltered. I'm not the paladin of the Blue Lion. I fly Red now, "The pilot of the Red Lion." 

Harmonia chuckled a bit more and motioned for me to follow her. She led me down a startling white hallway decorated with multiple plants of numerous colors. Their smell drifted through the open spaces, making me dizzy. Multiple Indri bustled in an out of doors with various items of paperwork or something. I had to dodge some, while keeping up with Harmonia. She led me into a room darker than the ones I've already seen, but the lighting made it cozy. It was small with a short table in the middle filled with multiple types of food. 

Hunk would love this place. 

"Please sit," There is was again, the echo, "Enjoy the food while we converse." 

I slowly sat down in one of the chairs. They weren't really chairs, they were basically pillows and were impossibly soft. Harmonia gave me a soft smile as I struggled to sit down in a graceful manner. I'm getting the impression that I amuse her more than impress her. A beautiful girl rushed in a carrying a pitcher of juice. 

Something doesn't feel right. 

I don't know what it is. Nothing has happened to suggest that these people are anything but kind, but my stomach is twisting. 

"Should we get started?" Harmonia asked. The serving girl poured the juice into my cup. 

"Yeah. So... You want to join the Voltron Coalition?" I asked. How the hell do you even start these? 

She started eating from a loaded plate. I was still hesitant to touch anything. 

"Why else would we have contacted you? It's been a deca-phoeb since we've been free of the Galra." 

Why did she say it like that? Free... 

"Oh," she started, "You look parched! You should drink something." She gestured to my drink. 

Yeah, something was definitely off. 

"Will you pardon me for a bit?" I asked. I stood before she could answer. 

She stood at the same time as me and pressed a button in her hand and something blocked the doorway. 

It was a Galra sentry. 

I reached for my Bayard but the sentry sent me flying into the wall with one hit. My back hit the wall and heard some cracking... I hope it was my armor. 

Harmonia picked up my Bayard and examined it. She cackled and clutched it. 

"You didn't free yourselves, you joined them!" I spat. 

She glared in my direction, her white eyes no longer kind. 

"You can't beat the Galra. You might as well join them." She turned to the sentry, "We had a deal. Take him back to your boss." 

The sentry pulled his gun. 

"Pathetic..." Harmonia said leaving the room. 

The world went black as the butt of the gun connected with head.


	2. What Pride?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two druids and one paladin... what could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit longer and very jumpy but I at least tried to make it angsty.

Hushed voices woke me from my gun induced sleep. They kept talking as I struggled to open my eyes. You always see people get knocked out in movies but they always neglect to tell you what type of headache it gives you.

"Shit..." I groan blinking furiously. The voices around me stop and I see who they belong to. Two Galra druids stare at me. "Good Morning..."

Here's a tip, sarcasm is never a good option when your restrained to a chair and face to face with two torture crazed aliens.

My polite comment earned me an electrocution. Another thing the movies neglect to tell you hurts a fuck-ton. It's freezing and boiling at the same time. It leaves a charred smell in the air and puts a metallic taste in my mouth. I cough a few times and sit back up. Something warm dribbles down my chin...

"It's awake." One of the druids hissed. The other turns to me and stares at before snapping his hand to me chin and gripping it tight.

"You're going to answer our questions, or more pain will come. You never know how long you can stall before your heart gives out."

"Where are the other paladins?" The one not gripping my face asks.

"Why would I know? You took me from another planet."

More bolts of electricity arc their way from the druid's hand to me. I grind my teeth to keep from screaming.

"Answer the question, trash."

I spit at the one clutching my face instead of answering. Blood splatters on the druid's mask. He retaliated by scratching my face.

"We have to do this the hard way then." I couldn't see their faces but I bet you their smiling like crazy people.

I've been here for five minutes and I already hate this.

\--------------------------------------------

I've been here for an hour and I still hate this.

Plus, the room is a little blurry and I'm having trouble focusing on the druids because of the ringing in my ears. They've been asking me the same questions this entire time.

"Get it through your thick skulls, I'm not answering any of your questions."

They both look at each other and leave the room, not before electrocuting me...again.

I sit there and examine my surroundings. Hopefully I'll be able to find some way out. The room is small and... completely empty. There are no windows and just one light above the door. I'm completely alone on a Galra ship.

Oh god... do they even know I'm gone? What will they do when they find out? I feel my breath quicken as panic sets in.

Breath, Just Breath... What is it Shiro is always saying? Patience yields focus. I have to get out.

"Hello...Paladin," A new voice says, "I've been told you've been causing trouble."

A druid without a mask steps in the room. She looks Altean in a way. Something in my head clicks, Haggar, that's her. I must be making a face because Haggar's contorts in a cruel smile.

"I've learned that brute force is never the best way to break a soldier," She walked behind me, "The best way is through the mind," Her hands gripped my head. "What demons do you harbor?" She whispered into my ear. "Let's have some fun."

This time the pain was too much. I felt tears slip down my cheeks as a scream ripped through my throat and into the room. The room disappeared into darkness.

\-----------------------------------

I felt weightless, just empty in a dark void. Was this Haggar's plan? It's not much, maybe my brain really is just empty. Ouch, I just hurt my own ego. Although that's not the hardest thing to do.

"You're right, it's not."

What? That voice sounds familiar.

"It should, seeing as it's yours or our voice. Seeing? Technically hearing." I walked up to myself (never thought I would say that sentence).

It looked just like me. It was wearing my shoes, jacket, and it looked just like me.

"Of course, dumb-ass, I am you." It said to me.

"That's just rude." The other version (Fuck it, I'm calling him Squip. Say it and try not to laugh) chuckled.

"Even in your own mind you hide what you really think of yourself. Face it, we're pathetic. Really this whole situation is better for Voltron. Maybe Keith might come back."

Another blow to ego...

"What ego?" Squip strained a laugh, "That implies that you have a shred of self-confidence."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I screamed. I'm sick of the insults.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He screamed back to me.

I'm stuck inside my own head, with just myself to talk to. I won't be able to do this.

"Where should we start. How about how you flirt with every female in the galaxy because you're afraid of admitting that you like boys. For example, Keith. It broke you when he left the Garrison and it broke you when he left Voltron." He said, getting closer, "Do you know why he left? He left because of you!" He was screaming.

"He didn't leave because of me. He left because of the Blade of Marmora were more important to him."

"No, He left because you burdened him with your problems and your insecurities! Keith's a better person than you will ever be and he left to protect your fragile self-image. And instead of going after him and admitting your feelings you let him walk away because your lover-boy Lance, the one popular with the ladies! We both know that he's the better paladin!"

I was holding back tears. Everything I've ever thought or said about myself was being thrown back at me and the cold hard truth was too much. They fell down my cheeks slowly at first.

"Which brings us to the next issue. How worthless you are as a paladin. Sharpshooter? Kids back on earth have a better aim. A gun is the most generic weapon and easiest to master. The saddest part, you still pretend that you have any skill. But, you don't," I fought the urge to curl up in a ball and yell back, "Let's take inventory. Pidge, smart, funny, a great hacker, dedicated. Hunk, sweetest person you've ever met, great friend, fantastic chef, ace mechanic. Allu-"

"Shut up!" I failed. I'm crouched with my hands over my ears, "Shut up, shut up, shut UP!"

Silence. He stopped talking, finally. I took shaky breaths until two hands gripped my wrists and pulled them from my head. I refuse to look at him.

"Oh, oh wow. You're already in tears and we're not even close to being done." He pushed me backward and was gone.

What else was I supposed to do? I curled up in a ball again and sobbed. Why did it hurt more hearing it than me saying it? It makes it seem true...

But isn't it?

I'm here on a Galra ship and under some sort of spell. I'm in the fetal position and bawling. Crying can go on forever. I don't know how long I sat there staring off into space, I w-

"You done crying yet?" Squip appeared right next to me.

I may have jumped to the side.

"Look," He sat down next to me, "Screaming gets us nowhere so how about we take a trip?"

"Where?"

"To the past," He snickered, "Where else? Let's start with the first time you failed the flight simulator."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be hiding in the corner from my shame.


	3. Bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance reminisces about the bonds he's formed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much angst, very cringe
> 
>  
> 
> Is it okay to use out-dated memes?

The familiar sight formed together like stitches forming a piece of fabric (That may be the most descriptive thing I've ever said). The grey static with the large, red, bold words right in my face,

SIMULATION FAILED

I could feel my heart shatter just like the first time I saw those words, and the last time. Everything I had done up to that point didn't matter. All of the training and studying wasn't enough.

I wasn't enough...

Nothing I did would be enough. Being a part of Voltron has proved that. All the training I did when everyone was sleeping, or how hard I tried to be good enough wasn't enough to warrant even a 'good job, Lance'.

No...

This is what they want. Squip, Haggar, the Galra, they want me to give up.

"We've got time," Speak of the devil, "You were really close to breaking there."

"Yeah, well I have some tricks up my sleeve. You think seeing this would work? I've seen it hundreds of times." Good Comeback, totally didn't sound cheesy.

"Just watch." Quiznack.

I saw myself sitting back in my seat taking in what had just happened.

"Good work, Lance." Pidge huffed.

"At least it's over." Hunk said choking back last night's dinner.

That's when another voice came from behind us. I haven't heard it in person for months but I still play over his last words to me.

I hope I don't need to remind you that the only reason you're here is that the best pilot in your class had a discipline issue and flunked out.

Commander Iverson stuck his head into the simulator and beckoned us to come out. Pidge groaned and Hunk was taking deep breaths. I remember that I had to calm him down afterwards because of his panic attack.

"First simulation and you failed," He shook his head, "Name the mistakes these cadets made."

A voice spoke up from the back of the class.

"The pilot failed the only thing in his job description."

Keith...

"Exactly..." Commander Iverson kept talking but I had zoned out

Keith and I were in the same class at the Garrison but I hadn't remembered him ever actually talking. I know he was just answering a simple question but hearing those words come out of his mouth after everything that has happened hurt.

Because it's what I always say to myself.

"Betcha didn't remember that!" Squip said resting on his elbows, "Look at your face!" He laughed until he was out of breath.

"You think you're so funny." I said refusing to look up.

"Actually, we don't, we find ourselves annoying. Remember?" He said cocking an eyebrow.

I didn't say anything.

Squip made a disappointed grunt and sat back up and continued to watch the rest of the memory play out. Keith's group was in the simulator and were acing it, like they always did until Keith left.

"Maybe that's why you push Keith away."

"What?"

"Why you push Keith away. Because you were always compared to him afterward. You still are." He said still looking at Keith with a fond look, "Maybe because we can never have him."

I stared at him. For some reason he goes from mocking me to spouting some deep bullshit. Keith stepped out of the simulator with a bored look on his face. I would have given anything to be in his place at the moment. Iverson turned back to our group,

"That's how you pilot."

\---------------------------------------------

I woke up.

Haggar was still there, staring at me.

"Interesting..." She was walking around me again. Circling like a shark.

"What's interesting?" I couldn't resist. My soul is curious.

You know, I can feel you judging me and frankly I thought that was funny.

"You are so damaged that you just accept how pathetic you are." She said now standing in front of me. I thought for a second and bobbed my head a bit.

"Generally." I amaze myself with how stupid I can be. Literally not 2 hours ago did I say that sarcasm is not a good option. Haggar agrees because she slapped me and then shocked me. Her magic felt different though. It was conflicted, and a hell of a lot more painful. Don't ask me how magic feels conflicted but I'm trying to be whimsical.

"We'll wait a bit before trying that again," She walked out of the room, stopping just before the door, "Do whatever but keep him breathing. I don't care if he's conscious." She slipped out into the hall. My eyes widen and my heart quickened.

\-------------------------------------

Hunk and I really only have one thing in common and that's anxiety. His is worse than mine but we were always there for each other when it got bad. So, as I endured through my oncoming one and the impending torture I focused on some of my best memories with Hunk.

Hunk and I had just got out of an intense lecture from Iverson when it first happened.

"I don't think I can do this." Was the first thing Hunk spouted when we got back to our room.

"What?" I chuckled it was more out of surprise. Hunk never talked bad about himself.

"I can't handle another lecture from him. He always yelling and...and" His breath quickened. I recognized the symptoms of a panic attack from when I had them at home. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes as he curled in on himself. My jacket hadn't even hit my bed before I was sitting next to him squeezing his hand like my mother always had.

"Hey, you can do this," I said in a soothing voice, "You have already." Hunk stared at our hands and then to me. He forced a pained smile, but some tears slipped down his face.

"Have I?" He said in a small voice. I smiled and put my arms around him in a comforting hug.

"You have. You're one of the best mechanics in the Garrison and someday you'll have an amazing crew and go on awesome adventures." I felt Hunk's breathing return to a steady pace and he returned my hug. I don't remember how long we sat there but it was the first time we truly connected as friends.

He must feel awful.

No one to calm his anxiety or even to hold him when it gets bad.

"I'm sorry Hunk..." I whispered. Tears slipped down my face in painful drops. The druids took the tears as a sign to continue with their torture. Shock after shock came and each one hurt more than the last. I cried out with each one and the druids cackled. After the round came a long succession of hard coughs that brought up more blood and I sat there sobbing.

\---------------------

Keith and I never had a lot in common. We didn't even talk while we were in the Garrison but I felt like we were making progress in the friend area.

I remember the bonding moment.

He was holding my hand trying the help me up but I couldn't muster the energy to stand.

"We did it. We are a good team." I said. It sounded cool in my head but thinking back on it, it was a pretty generic line. Yet, Keith smiled at me. All we had done was argue up until that point but in the moment, I felt something. I'm not sure if it happened this way because I was a little bit out of it, but here is goes.

Keith scooped me up in his arms bridal style. I cried out in pain at the movement, but I endured it. He talked slowly to me the entire walk to the med bay.

"That was one of the coolest things I've ever seen." He said softly. I don't know if anyone else could hear our conversation.

"Really?" I croaked and may have blushed.

"Yeah. You woke up from a coma and may have saved my life. That was badass." He smiled at me again. I chuckled.

"I am a badass." I whispered. He chuckled back at me.

"You should rest," He picked up the pace a bit, "You survived an explosion. You're a hero." I closed my eyes and was out instantly. I acted like I didn't remember because I wasn't sure if I had dreamt it or not. That's why I went to him when Shiro came back. I told him it was because he was the leader and it hurt when his face fell.

Leave to math to Pidge.

That's what he said. I think it was a joke, Keith was never good at it. We were forming something. Maybe we could be something.

Then he left.

\----------------------------

I was crying harder than before.

"Why Keith?" I choked through tears.

"Are you ready to tell us where the paladins are?" One of the druids asked. They think they broke me.

"I'm going to teach you a phrase we use where I come from," There was no way I would make it through the consequences of this, "Fuck. Off."

The next shock was triple the amount I was expecting and I was about to black out when one of the druids grabbed my face and forced me to focus on them.

"We. Will. Break. You."

They were just a blob of colors and the words were just ringing. All I could taste was blood in my mouth and was preparing for another shock when someone stepped into the room.

"Ready for round two?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh you bet I was going to bring up the bonding moment!


	4. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old friends reunite but at a large risk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys...what's plot?
> 
> I couldn't resist.

Haggar sauntered into the room with a huge grin on her face.

"What do you want from me?" I screamed at her.

"Information on the Paladins and Voltron." She said walking behind me.

"Well you got the wrong one," I said, "They never tell me anything. You're wasting your time."

"You're better dead then." She continued.

"Yeah I am." She stood still with her hands over my head. All three of them weren't expecting for me to say that. I didn't think I would say that either. We were there in silence for what seemed like forever until and Galra soldier entered the room frantically.

"We're under attack!"

"By whom?"

"The Blade."

The Blade was here? Why?

"One moment," Haggar said, "Let's give them a gift." She pulled a knife from her robes and held it to my throat. I thought she was going to slit it but instead she stuck it right under my rib cage.

"Bleed out." She said and the four of them left the room.

I was doubled over in the chair trying to cope with the fact that I was bleeding out in a chair and was already extremely injured. There was not a chance of me living to see the team again...

Or my family...

Or Keith...

The tears fell faster than they had before. Crying wasn't helping but it was all I could do as my vision slowly faded.

"Lance!" Someone said with a strained voice. I didn't have the motivation or strength to look up or stop the waterfall of tears streaming down my face. Two gloved hands quickly went to removing the restraints around my legs then my wrists. Whoever it was put their hands on my face and forced me to look at them. I didn't recognize them until they took off the mask.

Keith looked at me with a pained expression then checked me over for injuries, his eyes settling on the stab wound.

"We need to get you out of here. Can you stand?" I shook my head, which took too much of my energy. He pulled me out of the chair and tried to help me walk but I just couldn’t. I could tell Keith was rushed because he murmured some curses and picked me up bridal style.

"What did they do to you Lance? You look like hell." He said as he booked his way down the corridors. Keith looked down at me and saw my eyelids drooping.

"No, no, no Lance! Try to stay awake. Stay with me buddy!" I was trying. Anything to focus on was out of focus so I just stared at Keith's face. Mainly his dark eyes. He saw me staring at him and he smiled. His smile was strained. I couldn't tell why it was though. It could be because I'm literally dying in his arms.

"Focus on my voice Lance. We're taking you to a nearby rebel hospital," His voice is really nice, "You're going to be fine. Look, we're at my ship." I strained my head to see a small fighter. Keith set me carefully in a seat in the back.

"You're bleeding out!" He used his knife and cut off the hood of his suit and fashioned a bandage for me. His touch is gentle... I must be dying because I'm saying all this stupid shit.

"Kolivan can you hear me?" Keith started up his fighter and intently listened to someone talking over his com, "Yes, I have him. We're on our way. Your men can pull out."

"Keith?" My voice was hoarse from crying and weak from blood loss.

"Hey buddy."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"If anyone got hurt because of me... I don't deserve this."

"Lance... We wanted to come get you. What are you talking about?"

I was crying again while clinging to the bloodied piece of cloth that served as a bandage. Keith said nothing. I didn't expect him to either. He was silent until he heard me starting to drift off again. The sound of his voice gave me something to focus on. I tried...I tried but I couldn't keep my eyes open and I finally drifted into darkness.

\----------

I was sitting in the dining room of the castle. All of my team mates were sitting in front of me with smiles on their faces.

"We're so glad your back!" Hunk said practically standing up.

"We really missed you." Pidge started cleaning their glasses.

Allura and Coran were so choked up on joyful tears that they couldn't say anything and Shiro was sitting right in front of me.

"Welcome back, Keith."

I turned around and saw they were all staring at Keith like I didn't exist. Keith looked confused about it as well.

"What about Lance?" He asked pointing to me, "Aren't you glad he's back?" I turned back to look at my friends but only Haggar was there. The castle disappeared in large white streaks like someone was erasing it.

"Always looked over..." She turned into my mother.

"Such a disappointment..." Hunk replaced her.

"Annoying..." Pidge took his place.

"Dumb-ass..." They morphed into Coran.

"Never worthy..." He shifted to Allura.

"A shame to Voltron..." Her white hair became Shiro's black hair.

"Pathetic..." Shiro turned into Keith who looked at me with nothing in his eyes.

"I'll never love you." He raised my Bayard and leveled it to my forehead and fired.

\----------

I woke up with a jolt and frantically looked around until two hands gripped my forearms.

"Hey, hey, you're fine. Calm down or you'll rip your stitches." I looked up and saw Keith smiling at me again. He was wearing his red jacket and fingerless gloves, not his Blade of Marmora suit. I didn't recognize the room we were in. It had light blue walls and was lit only by the light streaming in through a large window. Outside with dimming into darkness and washed the room in oranges and yellows. The room was filled with old looking medical equipment. Multiple machines similar to the ones that were used on Earth.

"Where am I?" I asked focusing back on Keith.

"A planet called Brugea," He let go of my arms and sat back down in the chair next to my bed. I hadn't even noticed I wasn't wearing my armor. I was just wearing a white t-shirt and sweats with a blue blanket draped over me, "It hasn't been inhabited in a while until some rebels refurbished it."

"How long have I been out?" I felt exhausted but I was sick of sleeping and I was starving.

"About two days. Shiro and the rest of them will be here tomorrow. They were a while out from where we rescued you from. They wanted to come, but they wouldn't have made it in time." Two days would explain why hunger was an issue. I was about to ask for something to eat when someone stepped into the room.

"Good, he's awake." It was Matt, Pidge's brother. He was wearing the standard rebel uniform. "How are you doing?" He sat down on the end of the bed.

"I feel like shit and I'm starving." My head was pounding and my stomach hurt. Either from lack of food or my new stitches. Matt and Keith both laughed before the former pulled some sort of fruit from a bowl at the end of the bed and tossed it too me.

"You'll get some more if you can keep it down." He said. Him and Pidge looked so much alike, it was almost terrifying. As I carefully ate my way through the fruit Matt decided to run down what had happened while I was out, "When Keith brought you in, you already looked dead. We didn't think you'd make it, but here you are." He talked some more about the planet until another rebel called him out. Matt waved to Keith and me before leaving. Once he left Keith started speaking,

"On our way here...you said you didn't deserve to be rescued. Why?" He linked his fingers together and leaned forward, his arms settling on his thighs.

"I don't want to talk about it." I really didn’t want to talk about anything that had happened when I was captured. It would be better if we just forgot it happened.

"Lance, you need to talk about it. It's not good for anyone who just went through what you did to just not talk about it. Just talk to me." He was pleading and he was right. I hated it when he was right but I wasn't going to talk about it.

"I already told you, I don't want to talk about it." He couldn't force me. I didn't need a pity party from him or anyone, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not. I have never seen you cry but you couldn't stop when I rescued you. Bottling it up is going to make it worse." He sat up straight, determined to get an answer out of me. I sat up, desperate to prove my point but a shock of pain caused me to cry out. I flopped back down and clutched my stomach.

"Lance!" Keith stood up in a panic, "You're still injured!" He checked some of the monitors around me and looked me over before he deemed it okay for him to sit down. I was trying to control my breathing and keep tears from my eyes and blinked a couple of times.

"I'm fine," I lied, "I'm just tired."

"Okay," Keith leaned back in his seat, obviously not believing my lie, "Just get some rest."

I hadn't lied about being tired so I just closed my eyes and drifted up to the sound of the wind hitting the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought this was going to be a fun chapter huh? Well I can't write happy.


	5. Missions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People are reunited and pulled apart as Lance deals with violent nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, Saturnite here. We are half way done with "My Voice Can't Carry"! From this chapter and on, things get intense and dark so I recommend you triple check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Squip was standing in front of me holding a knife. I thought he was going to hurt me but he flipped it around and pointed the hilt towards me.

His mouth was set in a grim line, "Do it." I didn't understand until I saw the blood dripping down from his wrists. His eyes went black and he started laughing.

\----------

I woke up in a cold sweat and the room was bright from the incoming sunlight. Nothing had changed in the room except Keith's sitting position. His head was on his crossed arms at the end of the bed yet he

was still firmly sitting in his chair. His snores were light as his chest rose and fell with each breath. I wonder how much he slept recently. A smile crossed my face because he went from intimidating to adorable when he slept. His mouth was slightly opened which was probably why he was snoring. My attention quickly left his face when I heard someone enter the room.

Shiro stood there with two cups filled with a steaming liquid. He smiled at Keith's sleeping figure before he noticed I was awake.

"He sent me to get coffee but I guess I took too long." He whispered and chuckled a bit. Shiro set the two cups on the table at the end of the bed and pulled up another chair. "How are you doing?"

I was careful to watch the level of my voice when I answered, "I'm better now that I've slept a lot but I'm still sore." Shiro smiled.

"When you guys rescued me after I escaped from the Galra I was in the same boat. Though from what I hear, you had it worse than me." He said. I fought the urge to mention that he had lost an arm. "Look, I'm sorry we couldn't be here sooner. We wanted to but it wasn't physically possible. After they took you the Galra wouldn't stop hounding us."

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped, "Did anyone get hurt?" Shiro picked up one of the cups and took a sip then winced.

"Pidge and the Green Lion took some hits but Pidge only got some bruises. Allura and Blue hit a ship and she had a concussion but they're both fine." I sighed with relief.

"What about the red lion?" I had forgot about it but I had left him on the Indri people...along with my Bayard and helmet.

"That's were things got weird," he started before braving another sip of coffee, "Red showed up in his hanger. We thought it was you but when we checked inside, it was just your Bayard and helmet." That's good. If I had died they could still find a pilot for Red. We were quiet for a while before Shiro threw his now empty cup in the trash can, "If we knew the Indri were with the Galra we would have never sent you down there." He finally said.

"I know, Shiro. I kind of just want to be back in the castle and let everything be normal." I said. It was all I really wanted to do, let thing's be normal.

"We can. The rebel I talked to said you can leave tomorrow. For now, you should just rest and take it easy." He smiled again. We talked for a couple of hours before a weird snort interrupted us. It was Keith waking up. I have never heard any organic being make that sound when waking up. Keith sat up and blinked the sleep out of his eyes and rubbed his face. His hair was all over the place and no longer parted like normal.

"Good morning, mullet." I said trying to hold in my laughter from the sight of him. He glared at me. I don't know if it was because of my obvious laughter or the lack of time he's had to adjust to the light, "You snore." I added.

This time he was glaring at me, "I see you're feeling better." Keith straightened his hair a bit and grabbed the coffee from the table. He stared at with distaste before tossing it in the trash, "How long was I asleep?"

"A few hours, you know like a human is supposed to." Shiro said, "Anyway, I guess since everyone's awake it's okay to have everyone in here." He stood and went to the door. Keith quickly scrambled to the corner of the room as the rest of the Paladins filed into the room. Hunk's face lit up and he sprinted over to me before trapping me in a bear hug.

"Lance! You're alive!" He was doing that joyful crying thing he does. The sudden movement and pressure caused me to cry out in pain. He back up when I did. "I'm so sorry!"

I waved him off, "It's fine Hunk." I blinked away some sudden tears and prepared for some hugs from the rest of the group. Allura started pacing, a dark look on her face.

"The audacity of the Indri! They betrayed our trust and worst of all voluntarily sided with the Galra!" Shiro laid a hand on her shoulder and she instantly looked ashamed, "I'm sorry, Lance."

I smiled at her, "No, I'm mad at them too." She smiled back at me.

"You didn't lose a limb, too did you?" Pidge asked quickly examining the parts of me above the blanket.

"No, I didn't Pidge." They cared so much at that point. I don't know why my messed-up head tells me otherwise.

\----------

We talked for hours more with Keith still in the corner. He stayed silent the entire time.

Shiro stood and stretched out his arms, "We should be leaving. We told Coran we'd be back by now," He turned his head towards Keith, "You'll watch over him, right?" Keith nodded.

There were multiple protests but eventually Shiro got everyone to leave with him. "They'll be back tomorrow." Keith said taking back his chair.

"I know," I sighed, "It was great seeing them again."

Keith stared out at the stars filling the sky, "Are you ready to talk about what happened?" He turned his head back towards me.

"No, I'm not. What happened doesn't matter anymore. It's not important."

"Yes, it is Lance!" His voice rose a bit, "Just tell me. I promise I won't tell the rest of them. You were open with me before, why not now?" He asked, voice returning to normal.

"Because you left right after I did! The moment Shiro came back, you ran!" I yelled at him, "You said worry about the mission, well I am. My feelings have nothing to do with the mission so leave it alone." Keith stared at me, surprised by my sudden outburst. It even surprised me. He was silent.

"Your mission right now is to heal," He said after a while, "Physically and mentally."

"My mental state is fine!" I snapped. But is it? Every time I've closed my eyes I've had nightmares and my thoughts practically fight themselves.

"If it is, why are you crying?" He asked, his voice oddly calm. I hadn't even realized I was until he brought it up. He didn't move an inch even though I was glaring at him. "What did they do to you?" There was no way I was going to win this argument.

"They stuck me inside my own head. I had to face myself." I started, "I had to face everything I hate about myself. You know what that is, Keith? Everything. I hate how I overcompensate. I hate how I'm a worthless pilot and an even more worthless fighter. I'm selfish and pathetic. Happy?" The tears still fell down my face.

Keith's mouth was hanging open as he grasped for words, "You think that about yourself?"

"I wear headphones to sleep and blast music to drown out my own fucked up thoughts, Keith. It was the only way I made it through the night without curling up in a ball."

"How could you think that?" He said, disbelief still evident in his face.

"I don't know, Keith. That's my problem. No one has given me a reason but that's just how my head works."

"That's stupid..." He stumbled.

"I know." I kept my eyes locked with his. He broke eye contact and stood.

"I'll... I'll wait outside... Goodnight, Lance." He left the room slowly.

I flopped my head down on my pillow and just quietly sobbed. I was asleep before I knew it.

\----------

Squip was still holding the knife, his wrists still bleeding.

"It would stop. All your thoughts and pain would stop. Keith could pilot Red and the universe would have the best fighters to save it."

I stared at him. Is he telling me to do what I think he is? Something in my brain clicked and I reached out and gripped the knife's handle.

\----------

No one was in the room when I woke up but someone had been because my normal clothes were sitting on Keith's chair. Slowly, I sat up and pulled the blanket off me. I was hesitant to stand because I haven't stood in days. My legs shook as I stood but luckily, I didn't fall. The room seemed smaller when I was in the bed but now that I was standing I saw it was much bigger. To my left was another door with a bathroom inside. Oh hallelujah, a shower sounded fantastic.

\----------

There was a mirror and I saw what I looked like. There where scratches from where one of the druids had gripped my face. Dark bags were under my eyes which were usually bright blue but had dimmed. I hadn't realized my hands were bandaged. When I flexed them I knew why, they were stiff with burns. From the feel of them, they were still healing. I started to take off my shirt when I saw the next set of

bandages. They were wrapped around my midsection. I knew what they were covering and just thinking about it made my shudder.

\----------

It was nice to be wearing my baseball tee again but I stood there clutching my jacket. I dropped it, startled when someone opened the door. It was Keith.

"I came in to say goodbye." He stood in the door way.

I turned to him, "What?" My voice was barely a whisper.

"I'm leaving. The Blade need me back."

"You can't leave." I pleaded, "Why now?" He stared at his boots. He was wearing his BOM suit again.

"I'm sorry, Lance but... My place is with them."

"Your place is with us, Keith! Why are you pushing us away?"

"I can do more good with the Blade. They need me!"

"We..." I faltered, "I need you!"

"What did you just say?" I stepped up to him.

"I need you, Keith. I need you to stay with Voltron."

He looked back up at me before turning away and leaving. Keith just left. I stood there dumbfounded for only God knows how long. Hunk stepped into the room and poked my shoulder. He jumped just as high as I did. "Are you okay, buddy?"

I stared down the hallway like I would still see Keith even though he wasn't. "I'm fine. Let's go." I said as I slipped on my jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You for all the comments. It puts the biggest smile on my face to see that someone is not only reading something I wrote they are also enjoying it. It warms my heart and I can't thank you guys enough.


	6. Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance desperately want everything to go back to normal, but despite the teams best efforts he still feels like an outsider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I starting to realize that the chapter summaries read like Netflix summaries. Anyway...  
> This chapter it weird, it jumps around a lot but I feel it is still easy to understand.

Coran almost sent be back to that rebel hospital with the hug he gave me.

"Choking, Coran, choking." I said weakly patting him on the back. He didn't let go he just loosened his grip. When he finally let go of me, I saw he had tears in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just glad you're okay." He smiled at me. I'm smiled back. I was back, things would go back to normal and we'd kick some butt together.

\---------

I was wrong.

\---------

Everything was normal until a rebel convoy was attacked near us.

Shiro was at his seat, "Everyone to their lions!" I started to turn but he grabbed my shoulder, "Not you."

"What? Why?" I asked. It came out whinny and not at all like I wanted it to.

He let go of my shoulder, "You're still injured."

I couldn’t help but gawk at him, "I can still help! What if you need Voltron?"

Shiro started to head to his Lion, "We won't!" He yelled back at me.

You won't need me.

I stared at Shiro's retreating figure with my mouth open. A thousand thoughts raced through my head from some pretty rude Spanish comments to agreement. Coran cleared his throat behind me, obviously uncomfortable with the silence. He wasn't looking at me when I turned around and I huffed, "Is there anything I can help with?" I needed to do something.

He tensed, "Sorry, Lance. I... I have it covered." I could see that Coran felt awful but at least he was being honest with me.

"It's fine." I forced a smile to make him feel better. There must be something to do on a castle this large. Running through the options that I knew of two popped out at me. 1) Playing video games 2) Train. The problem with option one is that we only have one game and I beat it forever ago. That leaves only one option, train.

\---------

The training deck's lights automatically turn on when I step foot in the room. I clutch my Bayard to my side. The last time I held it, it was knocked out of my hand. Training would help prevent that again. My voice cracks as I activate the training sequence, "Start training level five." Starting out in the middle should help. I level my Bayard with the training droid as he rushes me. My first shot misses by a couple centimeters. Great, I'm rusty. I don't have time to fire another shot and I barely manage to roll out of the way, my movements a bit stiff. Luckily, I recover quickly and my next shot goes through the droid's head.

The next few levels were the same. I had gone through these levels before so they weren't that difficult. "Start training level eleven." I had only gone up to level ten but I was feeling cocky, we had done it as a team so it shouldn't be that difficult. The droid appeared and instantly rushed me, managing to dodge all of my shots. In a matter of seconds, it was right in front of me. He sword landed on my hand, sending my Bayard crashing into the wall. I started backing up but the droid still advanced. It turned a full 360 degrees and its foot connected with my midsection sending me flying into the nearest wall. "End training sequence!"

It came out in a strangled gasp as I doubled over. My vision blurred with pain and tears. I sat there for maybe 30 minutes before my breathing was under control. Quickly, I lifted up my shirt expecting to see blood staining my bandages but the force wasn't enough to bust my stitches. I breathed a sigh of relief as I stood.

Training was no longer an option because I was not doing that again. I ended up just walking around with no clear destination. The castle was large so I found myself lost soon enough. No wonder Shiro didn't want me around. For some reason this part of the castle was freezing. I could actually see my breath in front of me. Rubbing my arms were helping

The hallways were dark until I saw a light spilling through a door that was cracked opened. Might as well explore.

Inside were multiple weapon racks and armor stands. All of it Altean by the looks of it. I passed by guns, then swords before something from the corner caught my eye. It was a stand filled with an assortment of daggers and knives, but that wasn't what interested me. What interested me was one knife in particular. I had seen it before. It was small, more like a pocket knife than an actual weapon. The hilt was a dark wood with intricate carvings. My fingers slowly curled around it as I picked it up to examine it further. The blade was small and silver in color, easily reflecting my face in its polished surface. Yeah, I had seen it.

It was the blade Squip was handing me in my dream. Here it was, in my hand.

"There are a lot of weapons in here." A voice said from behind me. Turning, I expected it to be one of my friends but it was Squip.

"Am I dreaming?" I asked, still clutching the knife.

He looked at me, pain flooded his eyes, "No. You're still awake." Great, now I'm going crazy.

"You're not," his gaze was focused on the blade, "Just some residual energy." Residual energy?

I looked at my reflection in the blade and saw the same pain in my eyes that were in Squip's, "Wha't going on?" My voice cracked, it's been doing that a lot recently.

"You'll know when the time comes. Just keep the blade. Don't tell anyone you have it." He looked at it once more then blew away like dust in the wind.

\---------

My bed squeaked as I sat down, the knife still in my hand. I couldn't stop staring at it. A pounding on my door pulled me out of my trance. I quickly stashed the knife under my pillow as Shiro stepped into the room.

He stared down at his boots before shifting his gaze to me, "I'm sorry about excluding you but you understand why I did it, right?"

I took a deep breath, this felt like a parent talking to their child after a tantrum, "I know," I choose my next words carefully, "But I'm not going to get better by sitting around. All I'm going to be is out of shape and even more useless than I am now."

Shiro's face twitched as he registered what I said, "What do you mean by useless?"

Time to lie, "If I can't pilot and fight, I can't help Voltron." What I really meant, I don't have any skills and am literally useless.

His eyes met mine trying to assess my words and pick out any lie, he didn't find any as far as I could tell. "It's late," He finally said, "You should get some sleep." Then he left the room.

Sleep, the only thing I've been able to do for days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the end of part 6, what do you guys think? Is it too much? Some times I feel like it's too much. 
> 
> Thank You for the sweet comments. I don't think you could possibly understand how happy they make me.


	7. Past Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is forced to relive some of his past as Squip suggests he do something terrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is weird and jumpy and it definitely isn't my favorite, but I'm trying my best. Hope you enjoy.

Squip sat across from me with his legs crisscrossed. In his lap was a bowl of ice cream, his eyes focused on it as he stuffed his face with it.

My stomach rumbled, "Why do you get to eat?" I asked, sitting across from him. He looked up at me with those blue eyes, a bite in his mouth.

"Because this is a dream," Is what I think he said, couldn't tell with the full mouth, "And you're asleep." He swallowed the bite down and the bowl disappeared.

"You're a real smart-ass you know?" I mumbled. Squip smirked. "What are you even doing here?"

He shrugged, his jacket shifting to show more of his shirt, "I'm literally your head so I have no idea. Maybe Haggar fucked you up more than you thought." He scooted over to me and rested his head on my shoulder. A glint caught my eye when he lifted his hand to cover his mouth as he yawned. I grabbed his wrist, "Hey!"

I studied his wrist carefully and saw what it was. It was blood, lots of blood. I dropped his hand and scrambled backwards, "What did you do?" I asked. My whole body was shaking. Squip pulled up his sleeves and studied his wrists. Both had terrible cuts and were gushing blood. He laughed like this was a normal thing.

"This?" He showed his wrists to me but I refused to look at them. Instead I just focused on his face, my face. "This is just a solution."

"A solution to what?" I asked.

"You'll see soon enough." He grabbed something from his jacket pocket and tossed it to me. It landed in front of me. It was the knife that was currently under my pillow. I picked it up slowly. The only difference I saw between this one and mine was that Squip's was covered in blood.

\---------

My eyes flew open as I forced myself from the dream. Slowly, I sat up and saw that my room was dark. My whole body shook and I wrapped my arms around myself. What was happening? It had to be Haggar. Some way she was still getting to me.

"Nope, not the case." A voice said from the corner of the room. I turned my head slowly and saw Squip standing there, his arms crossed and a smirk across his face.

"Then what is the case?" I asked through gritted teeth. I was 100% certain I wasn't dreaming, I wasn't even sleeping. He was actually there.

"The druids won," He uncrossed his arms and strutted towards me, "They broke you." He forced a hollow laugh. I turned my attention away from him and stared at my blankets.

"I feel broken." I said, my voice barely a whisper. I turned my head back to where Squip was, but he was gone.

\----------

Hunk waved at me as I entered the kitchen. He was making something with some weird alien plants. Shiro was sitting at the table playing with some space goo. He looked awful but was obviously trying to hold it together. I quickly grabbed some type of bagel looking item and scurried out of the room. I picked at it as I pulled myself through the corridors. Pidge ran into me as they were leaving Green's hanger. Both of us tumbled to the ground. Some weird pieces of tech littered the ground. Pidge scrambled to pick them off. They were gone before I could say anything. My breakfast was crushed by one of the computers. Which was fine by me, I had lost my appetite. I shoved my hands in my pockets. Maybe things were going back to normal.

"But you're not." Squip was walking next to me.

"Beat it." I hissed.

"What?" Allura was standing in the doorway next to me, the mice on her shoulders. I whipped my head back to Squip but he was gone. Slowly I returned my gaze to Allura.

"Nothing. It was nothing." She looked at me with a concerned glint in her eyes. Her face practically radiated concern. Great, now she thought I was crazy. "How are you?" I asked, my voice shook.

"I should be asking you. You look like you've seen a ghost," She said. The mice scrambled down her legs and up mine. The blue one buried his nose in my ear in a comforting gesture.

"I just ran into Pidge few minutes ago. One of their computers killed my breakfast. It traumatized me." I laughed. Allura forced a stiff laugh.

She brushed a non-existent strand of hair from her face, "If you need to talk about what happened, you can come to me. I want you to know that." My breath caught in my throat. I shifted my gaze from hers and stared at my sneakers.

"I'm fine," She opened her mouth to interrupt me but I continued on, "Let's just return things to normal. I'll see you during training." I turned to leave.

"Will Shiro even let you?" Her face went pale as she said it. Allura was obviously ashamed she worded it that way.

I forced a smile, "He will." I left before she could say anything else. Squip reappeared right next to me.

"Maybe you should talk to them, let them fix you," He pursed his lips, "Or they'll replace you because you're unstable."

"Stop talking to me." I was ready to strangle him. He gave me a side glance.

"You can't stop talking to your own head. Unless..." I stopped and my tracks and faced him, my hands clenched at my side.

"I know what you're asking me to do but I'm not going to!" I seethed. I don't remember being this angry at anyone.

Squip glared at me, "Then I'm not leaving! It's the best option! That's what you believe right?" Our faces were literally centimeters apart.

"I can't abandon my team like that." I growled. Then Squip did something that scared me, he laughed. One of those low menacing ones.

"We've got time." He vanished again, leaving me alone in a dark hallway.

\----------

I was alone most of the day like usual. Pidge and Hunk were usually off building or fixing something and Shiro, Allura, and Coran were always in the control room. Did I say alone? I meant dealing with Squip.

He kept whispering in my ear all day. The worst part was that he was making sense. The druids had won, they broke me. Squip was proof of that. But what he's asking me to do, I can't do it. I could never do it.

"Oh yeah you could." Squip said lounging on the floor as I blasted my way through the levels of my game.

"Stay out of my thoughts."

"I can't. Back to what I was saying. You said you can't, but you came really close that one time when you were what, 14 or 15?" He smiled again because he had my attention.

"That was different!" But Squip had already brought up the memory of that day. This was before I started at the Garrison. I don't know what had come over me that day but I remember the hollow feeling. It wasn't an actual attempt, just an accident.

I remember standing in the middle of the road, rain streamed down my face. I heard a car approaching. It was my neighbor's, one of the only people who still owned one with wheels. He was old so there was no way he could have seen me with the rain and fog.

"Lance!" My father tackled me out of the way as the truck slid to an awkward stop on the road. If my dad hadn't been there, I would have died. He cradled me in a tight embrace, mumbling in Spanish as he patted my head. I looked through tears and rain at my mother and oldest brother on the other side of the road watching the scene. My parents thought it was an accident but my brother knew better, though he never brought it back up.

"See!" Squip said, "You would have died if your dad hadn't been there." I sighed and turned off the game.

"I've changed since then." I left the room at the insistence of my stomach.

"Have you?" He scrambled from his seat to catch up with me, "The only difference I see is that you're worse than before. Are you-" He disappeared when I ran into Coran.

"Who were you talking to?" He asked.

"What? I wasn't talking to anyone." I stumbled through my lie. Coran shifted his weight onto his other foot.

"Right," He said, "Hunk is making dinner before you all start training. Are you coming?"

I nodded and followed him to the kitchen. A grunt came from behind me and I turned slowly. Squip did a salute type hand gesture and dissolved into sand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See what I mean?
> 
> Anyway, Thank You for the comments, kudos, and bookmarks. They really inspire confidence in my writing and I hope to write more (better and longer) fanfictions about my favorite paladins.
> 
> btw, sorry about the late update, I was reading a fantastic fic wittyy_name and Zizzani called Shadow of the Past and Ghost of the Future. You should totally check it out.
> 
> Links: (because I still barely know how to use this site)  
> Shadow of the Past: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9727922  
> Ghost of the Future: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9733331


	8. I'm Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is driven to the edge after a familiar face shows itself once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I...I'm so sorry for what is about to happen in this chapter.
> 
> Please don't hate me.
> 
> Plus, serious trigger warning for the end of this chapter.

Hollow laughs all sound the same. They sound like regular laughs except you can feel hope and happiness shatter with each and every stupid forced sound. They roll off the tongue and leave a sour taste that you can't wash down with anything. I choked each one out when Hunk said something funny, or when Coran tried to feed Shiro like he was a child. No one noticed how empty I felt.

Good, I don't want them to.

Everyone was talking, but I didn't hear their words. My lips formed responses and statements, but it never registered with me what I was saying. It didn’t matter, I was convincing enough to my team to get them to believe everything was fine with me. I wasn't breaking on the inside, screaming for normalcy. I wasn't biting back comments about how useless I am. I definitely wasn't hearing a voice hold a one-sided conversation with me.

Hunk stood, a large smile on his face that caused his eyes to practically glow with joy. He started clearing plates with the help of Pidge who was continuing their conversation about mechanical break-throughs in the past century. Allura's lips twitched with a smile of gratitude as Pidge grabbed her plate. Shiro was oddly close to her, prosthetic arm waving slightly and eyes dancing as he talked about Earth. Allura sat patiently smiling with genuine interest, unfazed by how close he was. She was sitting just as close. Coran was keeping a watchful eye on the two, obviously ready to step in if things got too flirty.

His eyes twitched over to me as I stood and stretched, "I'll see you guys on the training deck." Shiro turned to look at me. His eyes momentarily darkening as he looked me over. They returned to normal as he waved and turned back to Allura. I turned and jammed my hands in pockets. My lips pursed, already deep in thought.

No one followed me into the hall, Squip was oddly silent. Which was bothering me, he usually lived to torture me. I was so deep in thought that I didn't register colliding with someone. The other person grunted as I landed on top of them. I looked up and my eyes locked on with someone familiar. Violet eyes stared deeply into mine. A smirk twitching at the corner of their pale lips. Lips I never thought I'd see again. A gloved hand cupped my cheek as a warmth creeped up my neck.

"Keith..." I breathed. He was back! All of a sudden, the whole of the situation hit me. I was laying on top of Keith. His hand was on my face. My hands were one his chest. I scrambled off of him as fast as I could. Unfortunately, being graceful is not my strong suit and I fell on my ass. "Uh... Keith," My voice went about two octaves higher than I wanted it to, "What are you doing here?"

He took his sweet time standing up, brushing some dust off his pants. He then smiles at me. Fucking smiles at me. "Does it matter?" Keith gestures and a gloved hand is thrust towards me to help me up. I don't grab it, as much as I want to.

"Yes, Yes, it does matter." I say. It comes out colder than I want it to.

Keith's hand doesn't waver, instead his smirk turns into a full out smile. "Maybe I came to see you." He says.

I snort, a smirk dancing across my lips. "Yeah, right." The heat on my neck creeps up to my ears. I grab his hand and the heat finds itself on my cheeks. A similar blush plants itself on Keith's face as he pulls me

up. We're standing really close. He makes no move to back up so, I do. "You came to see me and I'm the pilot of the Black Lion."

Keith's eyes go half-lidded as he brushes a strand of black hair behind his ear. He opens his mouth to say something when Hunk plows into me.

"Hey buddy!" He says, planting his large hands on my shoulder, "Ready to start training?" He asks.

I look over to where Keith is...

Was...

He's gone. Like he was never there. Panic overloads my ability to speak. My eyes widen as I stare absently at the empty hallway behind Hunk. His hands tighten comfortably as he reads my new expression, eyes and smile shrinking.

"What's wrong? You look like death." He makes no movement to release my shoulders. Concern darkens his eyes. I struggled against his grip, ready to sprint away, but Hunk's hands stayed firmly attached. "Lance!" He shakes my shoulder and slowly I turn my head to look at his large eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Let me go, Hunk." My voice is barely a whisper. I wasn't even sure is he could hear me.

"No. Lance, you're freaked out. Just talk to me." His eyes are pained. I should tell him, I really should. Hunk's been there for me and I've been there for him. He's my best friend and deserves to know. I open my mouth to tell him but...

"Let. Me. Go." Comes out in a deep growl.

Hunk stumbles back, letting go quickly. My eyes start to blur and before any tears can come out, I sprint in the opposite direction.

"Lance!" He yells from behind me.

\----------

Tears are streaming down my face as I slide down my door. I wrap my arms around myself, squeezing my upper arms. Hiccups and sobs are the only sounds that fill the room.

Why? Why did I say that to Hunk? His face...

More tears slide down my cheeks in large drops. I close my eyes, full on crying.

Crying at how terrible a friend I am. Crying because I seeing and hearing things. Crying because I'm broken.

Warm hands cup my cheeks and hair brushes my eyelids as someone rests their forehead against mine.

"It's okay Lance." Keith's breath is hot against my tear stained face. He's not real, he's not there. I refuse to look at him. His thumbs brush some new tears from my eyes.

"You're just in my head," I whisper, "You're not real."

He nestles his head into my neck, hands moving down to wrap around me. "I'm real to you." Keith is holding me. I move my hands to return his hug. I can feel him, he's solid underneath my hands. But it's not Keith. "I'm here for you, Lance."

I open my eyes and see him there, holding me. His jacket is tight against his shoulders. Black hair curls around his collar. Before I know it, my fingers and twisting themselves into those curls. "Why can't you be real?" I choke out.

Keith pulls himself out of my grip and leans back onto his knees. Carefully he cradles my hands in his, "I don't know, Lance."

A loud knock echoes through the room. I blink and Keith is gone, though the knocking still persists. I try to control my breathing, "What?" Fortunately, it comes out steady and controlled.

Shiro's voice answers back, "We're ready to start training. We just need our sharpshooter."

Sharpshooter. That was such a stupid nickname. I can't believe I came up with that and insisted on it.

"You don't need armor. We're just doing small stuff." Shiro continued.

My legs shook as I stood, using the door for support. "Thanks, Shiro. I'll be right there."

\----------

Everyone but Hunk looked up when I entered the room. I threw some jokes around at the start when everyone was stretching. I stripped my jacket off and dumped it on the floor. Cool air brushed against my chest as my shirt lifted up when I stretched my arms over my head. I bit the inside of the cheek when my stitches pulled against my skin.

I saw Allura's grimace as she watched me. Eyes focused on my now visible bandages. I flashed her a grin and her face relaxed a bit.

"Alright," Shiro stepped into the center of the room, Bayard in hand, "Is everyone ready?" His eyes flicked over to me as his said it. I flashed him a grin and two thumbs up.

He pursed his lips in disbelief, "Okay. Start training level nine."

Level nine. Okay...we can do that. A gladiator materialized in the middle of the room, pole poised for battle. The first person it went after was Pidge. They were ready for him. Pidge rolled to the left, their weapon lashing out and sending it backwards right towards Allura.

Allura's eye flashed with determination and she quickly leapt into the air, foot connecting with the gladiator sending it tumbling towards Shiro.

He glanced at his Bayard before tossing it, instead using his robotic arm. It started to glow bright purple as. Shiro sprinted low and swiped at its legs. It jumped and swung its pole. It connected with Shiro and sent him flying into Hunk.

Things quickly went downhill.

As Hunk fell under the weight of Shiro, Allura was in action. Before she could get in another hit, the gladiator dipped into a low spin and swept Allura's legs out from under her. She fell and landed on her

elbow, a crack echoed through the room. I raised my Bayard and aimed for the head. Before I could take the shot, Pidge dashed into view.

They swiped at the gladiator but it was learning. Quickly, it turned and jumped backwards, leveling its staff with Pidge's chest. With one jerking movement, it sent Pidge soaring backwards.

That left me to salvage this training exercise. I leveled my Bayard again, but dodging gunfire was nothing. The staff made a loud thwap sound as is collided with my hand, sending my only weapon flying. Before I could do anything else the gladiator had me pinned. The staff finding a place crushing my windpipe. I choked for breath as it pressed down. A sharp pain sent waves of nausea through me. I strained my head down and saw the cause. The gladiator had firmly place its knee right on my stitches for balance. Smaller spikes of pain shot through my gut as each stitch spilt under the strain. I did everything I could to get it off of me.

"End training sequence!" A familiar voice screamed. It was uneven and full of worry. The gladiator dematerialized in front of me. My lungs screamed for breath and were rewarded when I started gasping for air. My head spun as I sat up, eyes instantly going to a darker color on my shirt. A blood stain was growing rapidly. Sitting up straighter sent more pain through my gut, I gasped in pain. Coran was placing a hand on my shoulder pushing me back down. "Lance, stay down."

Shiro limped over with Allura's support. She was clutching her arm. Hunk was kneeling at my other side, a large bruise forming on his cheek. "On a scale of one to ten, how much does it hurt?" Hunk asked, trying to be helpful.

"Zero," I lied through gritted teeth, "Go get Pidge." The small gremlin hadn't reappeared after getting hit.

Coran zeroed in on Pidge across the room and sprinted over. Shiro took his place, pushing me back down as I tried to stand. "You're injured, Lance. Let us-"

"I'm fine!" I snapped, shrugging off his arm and managing to stand. Hunk grappled for my arm, but I managed to dodge him. I stumbled out of the room, barely glancing at Coran picking Pidge up. Allura was yelling at me from the training room but I was already too far away to hear any of the words.

\----------

I collapsed onto my bed clutching my side. Blood covered my hands until two gloved hands covered mine. I strained to look at Keith. His hair fell into his galaxy colored eyes, "Does it hurt?" His voice came out in a whisper.

My lips tried to form words but no sounds came out. Tears fell down my cheeks. He moved a now blood-stained hand and cupped my face. "That pain could stop."

"What?"

"All of it," Keith brushed some hair from my forehead, "The bleeding, the mental abuse, all of it." He reached under my pillow and grabbed the knife, pressing it into my hand. Tears streamed down his face.

"Keith..."

He leaned over and kissed me. Warm lips cradled mine. It was passionate and full of love, yet soft and gentle. I didn't want him to stop but he did, "If you did it...you could have this."

My vision blurred around the edges as more tears filled my vision. It wasn't Keith but...I felt compelled to listen to him. Keith squeezed my hand, gentle pulling me into a sitting position.

"What are you going to do?" He asked. He wrapped his arm around my waist, snuggling up next to me. His other hand still gripped mine supportively.

"You're not real." I whispered, my survival instincts trying to talk me out of my decision.

"What are you going to do?" He repeated.

I gripped the knife and stared at my wrist. Carefully I pressed the blade into my skin and quickly pulled it across, much deeper than I thought I had. I bit back a yelp and dropped the knife, my hand clamping over the cut, tears falling onto my shirt. Keith hugged me closer.

What was I doing?

I'm abandoning my team. They need me to form Voltron.

No, they don't. They could easily replace you. Just like Blue did when Red took you in.

I can't do this to them.

Yes, you can.

Slowly, I let go of my wrist. Blood gushed out, I could already feel myself passing out. My fingers curled around the hilt and I repeated the same motion. This time I threw the knife and it hit the wall with a loud thump. Keith maneuvered our bodies so we were lying face to face. Our hands the only thing between us. His hands gripped mine and blood pooled around our faces.

I can't believe I did this. I let Keith talk me into this and he's not even real. He's in my head because the druids won. I'm damaged. I'm broken. I'm not a Paladin.

Keith faded out of existence and I was alone. My own thoughts had abandoned me. My eyelids dropped and I submitted to darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this, like hot tears. Why am I like this?


	9. Broken Bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunk found him later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in third person and I'm honestly proud of it. There's angst and beautiful, beautiful fluff.

Hunk found him later.

He was stunned when Lance left abruptly, he sprinted after him, but Lance was faster. It took a solid ten minutes to get his door unlocked.

Hunk threw up at what he saw when that door opened.

Lance was in his bed, a peaceful look on his face. Everything could have been normal except for the blood staining the sheets and his hands. The culprit sat on the floor, covered in blood next to the door.

He remembers screaming for the team and rushing to Lance's side. Swallowing down vomit as he checked for a pulse.

He remembers crying when he found one. It was weak and uneven, but it was there. Shiro stumbled in and reeled when he saw the scene.

He backed up and watched Hunk carry Lance out of the room bridal style. Blood drops trailing behind them.

Shiro remembers Allura stepping up behind him and screaming a bone-chilling scream at what she saw. He stood frozen, choking back his own bout of vomit.

Allura remembers bending down and picking up the knife, staring at it through tears.

Coran remembers hearing about it from Allura.

Pidge remembers hearing about it from Hunk.

They all remember sitting in the med bay around Lance debating telling Keith. After all, he was a  
paladin.

They remember voting for who should break the news.

Shiro was chosen.  
\----------  
Shiro walked stiffly down the hall to the control room, arms wrapped around himself. Silent tears followed his cheek bones and hit the ground. He's their leader and he let this happen. He saw something was wrong with Lance. If only he had pushed Lance to talk to him. To talk to anybody.  
The door to Lance's room was still open. Shiro told himself not to look, but his eyes drifted into the room. They hadn't cleaned it up yet. The sheets were smeared and stained with blood. Lance's blood. Shiro stiffened some more and sped down the hallway.

Had he caused this? There was no possible way he could have, but he felt responsible. How old was Lance? 16? 17? God, Lance was still a kid. Most of them were, yet here they were fighting a war that they weren't even alive for the start of. Whatever they did to Lance made Shiro cringe. The thought of something so horrible that it took down the most carefree of their team. Now he had to tell Keith. How would he react? The two had never been the best of friends but Keith was the one who saved Lance from the Galra and the only one who had stayed with him. They were improving and obviously started to grow fond of each other. 

Shiro's stomach lurched again as he entered the control room. His prosthetic hand shook over the controls as he slowly counted his breaths. He had to be ready to give Keith this news and he had to be strong, for his team and for his own sanity.

His fingers moved of their own accord as he contacted Kolivan, which was the only way to contact Keith lately. 

Kolivan's impassive face appeared on the screen like it usually did anytime Shiro or the paladins attempted to talk to Keith. Shiro's eyes burned with tears and he forced them down with a harsh swallow.

"I need to speak with Keith." Shiro hated how his voice shook.

Kolivan looked of to the side and his impassive expression turned soft before steeling as his face turned back towards the screen.

"He's off on a mission." His voice was uncertain and Shiro wasn't buying it. 

"I know he's there, " Shiro had to blink rapidly to rid himself of the oncoming tears, "This is important, Kolivan. I really need to speak with him."

"I already told you, he isn't here."

"Bullshit," His voice hardened, "I know you're listening Keith and I'm talking to you whether or not you like it." He paused and prepared himself to deliver the harsh reality.

"It's about Lance. He…he," he shook his head, the new found confidence draining as quickly as it had arrived, "He slit his wrists Keith. I don't know what this means to you or whether or not you've left the room, but if you ever considered Lance your friend, you'll come visit." 

Shiro didn't let Kolivan or Keith say anything and quickly ended the call. His chest was heaving with panic and his eyes burned with the tears he wouldn't let himself shed. He couldn't go back to the med bay, not yet. Instead he ambled over to Lance's seat and collapsed, setting his face in his hands. 

Choking sobs filled the silence in the control room.  
\----------

Hunk leaned his head against the healing pod, red stained his shirt but he hadn't bothered to change. There was no reason to, it's not like it would do anything. The memories would still be there even if the stains weren't. 

He choked back more sobs but didn't say anything. Pidge crawled over and snuggled themselves under his arm. They shuddered as more hot tears slipped down their cheeks. Hunk absently started rubbing their back. He slowly lifted his eyes to Coran and Allura doing the same thing. 

Lance was his friend, the grounded and cheerful. The one that brought him back to Earth when his head pulled him farther into darkness, yet he had done nothing to help him. What would they say to Lance when he came out of the pod? He was in there of his own accord and doing. Another strangled sob escaped his lips as he squeezed Pidge closer. 

Shiro stepped into the room and promptly flopped down next to Allura. Even from where he was sitting, Hunk could see the red surrounding his eyes and tear stains on his cheeks. Shiro tried to be strong but he obviously lost it on the way back. Hunk wondered what was going on in his head. He wondered what was going on in everyone's head.

That helped him avoid thinking about what was going on in Lance's head.

\----------

Keith sat in silence, his Blade of Marmora hood pulled up over his head. Arms crossed and resting on his knees. Kolivan stood at the darkened screen with a look of shock on his face. The silence was broken when Kolivan cleared his throat. Keith slowly looked up at him.

He walked over slowly and crouched in front of Keith. His larger alien hands gripped Keith's smaller human ones, yellow eyes bore into Keith.

"Go," Kolivan's voice was quiet and full of concern, "Go see them, talk to them."

Keith blinked, "But what about you guys?" He was grasping for straws, desperately not wanting to face his former teammates.

"Things have been quiet around here, we can afford to let you go." Before Keith could choke out another excuse Kolivan stood, "Go. That's an order." He pulled him up and left.

He stood in the empty room, hugging his sides. Holding something, anything, let him feel grounded when his world was falling apart. Shiro's words echoed in his head, He slit his wrists. 

"Why?" Keith whispered into the silent room.  
\----------

Pidge extricated themselves from Hunk's limp arms that had given up before shambling out of the room. They walked around with no particular destination in mind, they just had to get out of that room.

What had the Galra done to him?

First they take Pidge's family. When they finally find Matt, they take Lance. Could they ever have a break? 

They punched the nearest wall which was nothing and they fell into an open doorway. Crumpled red sheet's were hanging lazily off the side of the bed near the wall. Looking around, Pidge saw they were in Lance's room. They stood there in horror. Pidge only heard minute details from Hunk and hadn't actually saw the room until now and they were wishing they hadn't stumbled into it. A mental picture of Lance in the room, alive and depressed filled their vision before they retreated into the hallway. Pidge scrambled to close the door and it sealed the room with a loud thud.

The picture was still in their mind after five minutes. Their legs didn't work no matter how much their brain yelled at them to. A large warm hand slid onto their shoulder. Burning eyes settled on Hunk's somber expression.

"Keith's here." His voice was broken and barely audible.  
\----------

Allura tried standing to meet Keith but her legs wouldn't support her. Coran attempted to help her until she waved him off and gave him a pitiful smile.

"Go, I'll be here when you get back."

Coran nodded solemnly and shuffled off. Allura's eyes drifted from the door to Lance's sleeping form in the healing pod. They could heal physical wounds but Lance apparently had deep mental ones that hadn't had time to scar. She pulled her self across the floor to Lance and leaned her head against it.

"I wanted to do the same thing when I found out about father and Altea," her voice cracked, "There was nothing left for me but an impossible war." Tears fell in fat drops onto her legs and she wiped uselessly at them.

"Just talk to us Lance…Just-" Her words were interrupted by a wave of fresh new tears and a small scream as she buried her head in hands.  
\-----------

Coran stood at the back of the group as Keith stepped out of a shuttle wearing his regular clothing. His face was unreadable and he talked in hushed tones with Shiro. Hunk wrapped his arm around Pidge's shoulder and led them out of the room. Shiro and Keith approached him.

"We're going to try and get some sleep. Keith will watch Lance and I'll get Allura. You should try and sleep as well Coran." Shiro said meeting his eyes.

Coran was too tired to argue and trusted Shiro. His boots scuffed along the floor as he pulled himself to his room. Lance was his favorite of the paladins, after all he had saved his life forever ago.

It wasn't just that, Coran was one of the only people Lance had opened up to. They talked about each other's life before the war started. Lance would ramble on about his younger siblings and things he missed about Earth. Coran would talk about his time with Alfor and his family, even telling stories of when Allura was younger. He never had time for his own family and never had any kids but Lance felt like his son. It hurt knowing that Lance was going through awful battles in his own mind and hadn't told anyone.

More silent tears fell down his cheeks as he settled himself onto his bed. They continued to fall until exhaustion took over and forced him into sleep.  
\-----------  
Keith kept an easy pace with Shiro as they made their way to the med bay. Shiro was silent and kept his head down. He had never seen him or anyone look so defeated except Lance when he rescued him.

"How long has he been in there?" He asked timidly.

Shiro looked up at him with red tired eyes, "24 hours maybe. Time just seemed to slip into nothing for awhile." He returned to looking at the floor as they walked.

Keith didn’t push further.

They walked with silent steps all the way to the med bay where Allura was sleeping on the floor. The mice were curled up in her hair, dozing as well. Keith saw tear streaks on her cheeks. Shiro slowly and quietly lifted her into his arms and left the room nodding at Keith with some very angry looking mice hot on his trail.

He stood there staring at the door for a while before turning his face to Lance. He'd never admit to Lance but he was handsome when he wasn't spouting nonsense as he tended to do. Keith's boots made no sound as he shuffled over him.

"Hey, Lance." His voice cracked as his placed his hand on the glass displaying Lance's vitals. He hadn't cried. Not when he heard the news and not on the way there but rebel tears slipped down his cheeks. Keith lifted his hand and hit the glass, hot anger and sadness spilling into his words.

"Why didn't you talk to anyone you asshole! I told… I told you-" He collapsed in front of the pod and pounded both fists on the glass as he heaved heavy tears. Lips tried to form words but raging emotions produced no sounds besides the sound of tears and anger.

Hours seemed to pass by and Keith's tears started to dry up. Eventually he just leaned on the pod and hit it. Lance was his friend even if all they did was bicker back and forth. It was nice to have someone to be a teenager with. With everyone else he was supposed to be older and more serious. With Lance… he got to be a kid. Rough-housing and teasing. Keith hiccupped and let his fist drop to the floor. "I'm so sorry, Lance."

A slow and quiet beeping started up and Keith scrambled away from the pod as the glass magically disappeared. Lance instantly pitched forward and Keith caught him in his arms. Even though the pod saw fit to release him, Lance still looked terrible. His usually tan skin was pale and contrasted by dark bags under his eyes. Pink scars showed themselves on his wrists. 

Keith stared at his face. Lance's eyes struggled to open. Pale blue eyes settled on Keith's face and Lance's face contorted with confusion.

A strangled laugh escaped Keith's lips and he pulled Lance close to him and hugged him tightly. Lance started shaking and Keith realized he was crying. Keith tried to pull him back and Lance clung to him like a wounded child, which he was in a way. He sat there with Lance on his shoulder and until he stopped shaking.

"I'm an idiot, Keith." His voice came out in a hoarse whisper that sent chills down his spine.

"You're not an idiot, Lance. You're human." Keith held on to him and Lance made no effort to make him let go.

"Yes, I am," He pulled himself back and looked at Keith with dead eyes, "I knew it wasn't you but I listened anyway. This was just what they wanted." 

"Lance, what are you talking about?" Keith had entered a new state of confusion.

"I wanted it so badly to be you." Lance wrapped his arms around his frail body and shook with tears his body couldn't produce.

Keith was getting fed up already, "Lance, what are you talking about?"

This time Lance was just silent and squeezed his eyes shut, mumbling to himself. Keith stood and placed his hands under Lance's armpits and lifted him up before turning to put a supportive arm around his waist.

"Come on." He guided him out of the room and into the hallway. Lance shuffled using Keith as support.

"Where are we going?" He asked. His voice sounded a million miles away in Keith's ears.

"We're going to my room and your going to sleep then your going to tell me exactly what happened." He said forcefully. He expected protest from Lance but instead saw him nod and lean onto Keith for more support. Heat raced up his cheeks but he forced himself to stay focused on getting Lance to a bed.

\----------  
Keith's room looked exactly the same as when he had left. The lights flickered to life as he and Lance stumbled in. Keith set Lance on the bed and went to his closet. A black shirt hung by itself before a gloved hand snatched it from the small room and tossed it to Lance.

"Change." He ordered.

Lance nodded slowly and started slipping off the med suit, not even worrying about the fact that Keith was in the room with him. A further search into the closet produced red pajama pants that apparently came with the room like Lance's blue ones. He tossed those to him as well and forced himself to look the other way as Lance changed.

"Why are you here, Keith?" Lance's frail voice came from behind him.

He turned and saw Lance sitting in his bed wearing his clothes. They hung off his small frame in a way Keith hadn't expected them to. Lance stared at him with droopy grey eyes, dark bags still framed them. Since his skin had paled, Keith could see a light spray of freckles across his cheeks and nose. His brown hair fell farther on his forehead than he usually let it.

"Because I'm your friend." He retorted stripping off his jacket.

"Since when?" His voice was filled with genuine curiosity. 

"Since… a while. At least I thought so." The bed squeaked as Keith sat down next to Lance. 

Lance weakly smirked, "Since the bonding moment?"

Keith forced a small one in return, "When I cradled you in my arms."

Lance leaned towards Keith and rested his head on his shoulder, "Nope, don't remember. Didn't happen." He whispered.

Keith stood and turned off the lights, he couldn't believe what he was doing. He strode over to the bed and shoved his way closer to the wall before laying down. He could make out Lance squinting his eyes in confusion.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

Keith closed his eyes and snuggled his head into the pillow, "Going to sleep." When Lance didn't move he continued, "Lay down."

He expected more protest but Lance just flopped down onto the bed and positioned himself comfortably next to Keith. He opened his mouth to speak but Keith shook his head and pulled the blanket over their heads, "Just sleep."

"I can't, Keith." His voice was small and broken, "I can't take the nightmares."

Keith put his hand behind Lance's head and pulled his face to his chest before adjusting the blanket. He rested his arm across Lance. Lance wrapped his arm around Keith's waist and buried his head into his shirt. The room was silent for a few a minutes and the two held each other before Lance's soft snores filled the room.

What was happening? Keith was holding Lance as he slept. He was about 20 light years out of his comfort zone. What happened to the Keith that couldn't open himself to anyone? 

Lance shifted a bit in his sleep.

He stared at the boy in his arms and his heart leapt up into his throat. Since when did this obnoxious prick do that to him?

Since he started being civil to you. Since he believed and supported you as a leader. Since he showed his vulnerable side. Since you saw him so broken and alone.

Keith closed his eyes and pulled Lance closer to him and sleep came soundly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, somewhat happy ending right?
> 
> Only two more chapters left until the end. Feel free to use any colorful language regarding your feelings.


	10. A...happy ending?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance struggles to convince his friends that he's completely fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried my hand at more fluff. I'm actually planning on writing a modern au for Voltron after this filled with fluff (an angst, I can't betray my inner demons).
> 
> Really, your comments are what keep me writing. Even when they aren't filled with the best intentions(I really am sorry about chapter eight and nine and this entire work ;/)

Warmth was pressed against me when I woke up. Pain pounded through my skull as I forced my eyes opened. Keith was sleeping, snoring softly. A smile tugged at his lips. I could just feel the blush spreading across my cheeks as I took in the situation.

I had spent the night with Keith.

I don't remember much of last night except a lot of crying and whispering.

It was kind of hot how Keith took charge like that. He took care of me and didn't ask questions. I was surprised when he was the one to catch me when I fell out of the healing pod

Really, I'm just surprised I survived at all. 

I'm not surprised I was such an idiot.

My brain was telling me that I was hallucinating but my heart wanted it so badly to be real. I wanted Keith to be there with me. Loving and supporting me. Although the real Keith would have slapped me and told me to get a hold of myself. Told me the I had something to live for. 

Keith stirred and my heart leaped. His eyes fluttered at me and dark violet eyes stared back at me. I quickly adverted my gaze to make it seem like I wasn't starring at him but he obviously saw that I was. He wrapped his arms a little tighter around my waist and stared at me intensely.

"Tell me." He said. 

"Tell you what?"

He rolled his eyes, "Quiznack, you're dense. Tell me everything."

I broke I contact and tried to wriggle myself out of his grip but it just tightened on my waist. 

"Lance." He said, his voice stern and commanding. He was seriously starting to sound like Shiro and it was terrifying. 

"I don't want to talk about." I tried to make my voice sound as even as Keith's but my nervousness caused it to shake. 

"It's either tell me or tell your team that was up all night crying for you." He retorted.

I sat up and pulled him with me so that we were both sitting cross-legged on Keith's bed. A mental image of what my room probably looked like entered my field of vision and I shuddered. My throat ceased up as I tried to choke out the words I dreaded even telling myself. 

Keith pulled off his gloves and tossed them on the floor before reaching out his hands and grasping mine. 

The next thing I knew all the words I never told anyway came flowing out of me like a river. I told Keith about the traitors and the druids. About seeing Squip and how he convinced me to…to

"I know." He whispered. A fresh wave of tears pushed themselves onto my face and I cried. Like ugly crying. Keith pulled my head foreword until I was resting it on chest again. He padded down my hair and was mumbling something in another language. I sat up.

"You're bilingual?"

He blushed and looked down, "No. It was just something my dad used to sing to when I was younger. I don't know what it means,"

"What language was it?"

"Japanese, I think." I couldn't help but laugh. "How is that funny?" He glared at me.

"No es divertido, es lindo." Keith's face took on a whole new form of confusion.

"What was that?" He asked.

"Spanish."

"You speak Spanish?" I let go of his hands and threw them into the air.

"Dude, I'm from Cuba. Of course I speak Spanish you dolt." I ended my sentence with a soft chuckled before the room succumbed to silence again.

I don't know who did it but they were holding hands again. I looked up at Keith but he was inspecting my wrists where a new pink scar was on each one. He rubbed his thumb over them, sending shivers and goosebumps up my arm. 

"You should have told someone," Keith whispered, "I could never imagine holding in all that pain and never sharing it." He sounded lost. 

I stayed silent. What else was I supposed to say?

"So, you really fantasized about kissing me?" He asked, his eyes jumped to meet mine. My cheeks burnt and Keith started laughing.

I stammered for words but couldn't find any. Keith leaned in and his lips met mine and we sat there like that. Both of our eyes were closed.

Sadly Keith stood and grabbed his gloves and jacket from the floor. 

"Where are you going?" I stood up and had to brace myself on the wall. Keith looked back at me an his expression turned pained.

"I'm leaving. The Blade of Marmora need me." He avoided eye contact.

All sorts of emotions swelled up inside of me, "So what? We basically confess that we like each other and you're just going to leave?"

Keith turned towards the door, "You should tell them what you told me." He whispered and was gone.

\---------

He left for good…

\----------

I kept Keith's shirt on but changed into my pants and jacket. Someone had come in and cleaned up my room but I decided to spend as little time as possible in it. 

My shoes made hollow sounds in the corridor as I made my way to the lounge where I knew everyone would be. I stopped in front of the door. 

I owed them so many explanations but…

No time to think, might as well just do.

\---------

My friends all stared back at me from empty couches when I finished telling them everything I told Keith (minus the whole liking him part).

Hunk was the first one to react, practically leaping from his seat to bury me in one of his famous hugs. Mumbling how sorry he was. The rest of the team followed not long after, and stayed that way until my jacket was covered in tears and snot. 

Allura wrapped her arm around my shoulders and squeezed reassuringly, "I can't believe you had to go through that, Lance." 

Shiro leaned down in a squat and placed his prosthetic on my knee, "You could have talked us. We're a team."

"We’re a family," Hunk crushed him in another bear hug, "Families don’t keep secrets." He sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Dark bags hung under his eyes and red rimmed the lids. Everyone wore a similar look. Allura's hair was half up and half down meanwhile Pidge's was a nightmare.

I caused this. This was my fault.

"Stop it, Lance." Coran's hand ruffled his hair, "You're overthinking."

Pidge's small hands wound their way into mine, "How are you feeling?"

"Perfectly fine," Everyone gave me similar looks of disbelief, but I wasn't lying. "Really, I'm fine. It's like whatever they did vanished." When I woke up, curled up in Keith's arms, all the stress and sadness slipped out of me. The thought of Keith sent a new wave of anger through my veins. He left, again. Hunk and Allura stumbled backward as I stood, eyes going wide at the sudden movement.

"Lance?" Shiro's hand found itself on my shoulder again, before quickly being dislodged by my shrugging.

"I'm fine, just thirsty." I stumbled over to small fridge in the corner of the room and bent down. My balance shifted as I opened the door. Cool air hit my face and I closed my eyes. I hadn't realized how much I had been suffocating under all their stares. My fingers curled around a juice packet and I quickly retreated back to the group. They were all speaking in hushed tones when I came back. The room quickly erupted into silence when they saw me. "Guys, seriously, I'm fine. What do I have to do to prove it to you?"

Coran and Allura exchanged quickly glances before identical grins plastered themselves on their faces.

"Oh no, nonnono. What are you two thinking?"  
\----------

Coran strapped some weird Altean tech onto my head as I sat on the floor of the training deck. He stepped backwards and examined his work. A quick nod told me his was content with his work.

"What are we doing again?" I asked, distaste finding its way into my voice. Coran and Allura had briefly gone over it on the way to the training deck. I wasn't sure what they were saying the whole time because most of it was tech jumbo that didn’t make sense.

"Well, my boy, what I have placed on your head is an Altean headset. Once I reach the control room I will press a button and the headset will give you a mild shock."

Pidge adjusted their glasses as they examined the headset, "What does shocking Lance do to prove anything? Although it would be really funny."

I grunted and shot Pidge a sideways glance with no real heat behind it, "You know, Pidgeon, I thought we were friends."

They stood straight and crossed their arms, "One, don't call me Pidgeon. Two, we are friends." I flicked their boot and they stuck their tongue out at me.

"Well, Number five, I don't decide when the shocks come. If he's lying, he shouldn't feel anything if he-"

"Wait what?" Hunk took a break from fiddling with some spare parts and send a worried glance my way, "What will happen if he isn't lying?"

"It shocks him."

Shiro quickly rose to my defense, "How does that make sense?"

"Yeah, shouldn't it be the other way around?" I squeaked.

"Why?" Coran asked, stroking his mustache. Hunk grumbled something about how Altean are weird.

"Can we just get started?"

Five minutes later, Allura was sitting in front of me and Coran was in the control booth.

"Are you ready, Lance?" She asked, concern lacing her voice. I gave her a quick nod and she signaled Coran to start. A low hummed came from the headset and sent a fuzzy feeling into my spine.

"How are you feeling?" Was her first question.

"Fine." I said. A small spark arced its way from the headset to me and I jumped. Really, who decided punishment for the truth was the best?

Allura winced and continued on, "Why didn't you tell us what was going on?"

"I was scared you'd replace me." More pain erupted in my temple and I had to grind my teeth to keep from yelping. 

Allura pressed his lips into a small line, mulling over what I said. "Do you promise to tell us in the future?"

I nodded my head. Nothing happened for a bit until electricity jumped from the headset and shot down my spine. My back involuntarily arced as a scream ripped itself from my throat. A large thud echoed throughout the room when my head hit the floor, hands desperately clawing at the headset. Allura was at my side quickly and set herself to working on removing the headset.

The moment I heard the strap snap, I threw the headset across the room and groaned. Allura was speaking but I couldn't hear any words through the ringing in my ears.

"I hate Altean tech. No offense, Allura."

She nodded her head, "None taken, Lance."  
\---------

And with that, everything seemed fine. It was almost too perfect to seem real. Keith still avoided us and I was fine with that. I didn’t have the patience to even speak to him, either wanting to kiss him or punch him.

Quiznack, why was life so difficult?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm leaving this open for season five, that's why it's so...open ended, I guess? 
> 
> Thanks for sticking out my cringe filled writing and plot. Only one chapter left to go guys. Can you stick it out?


	11. I Heard You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be careful what you say over the coms.

We heard Keith loud and clear over the com. 

Matt screaming his name will be something I take to my grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part about taking Matt's screaming to my grave is something I truly believe in.
> 
> Yeah, sikes, there is no such thing as a happy ending when I'm writing.


	12. Author'sNote I Guess

I wasn't going to write this but recent comments on the last chapter compelled me to. 

I was so proud of it. It wasn't even a real chapter. But apparently I was the only one that thought that... It was confusing to most people.

If you understood it, great. But I'll clarify for those who arent pissed or dissatisfied with me.

It's supposed to be Lance reacting to hearing Matt scream for Keith to stop when he was about to sacrifice himself.

I'm soooo sorry it wasn't clear or up to your expectations but its over. I'm done with it. This was mainly for my peace of mind.

I'm sorry I let you down...

Have a great day, guys.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's short. I'm not the best writer and I don't write a lot. Thanks for sticking this out.


End file.
